“…Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light”.
-------Dylan Thomas
~ Noah~ In Loving Memory
Crossed to the Rainbow Bridge
on November 10, 2009 5:30PM
I’ve been writing this memorial to Noah for months. Every time I read it back to myself it sounds flat. Noah was anything but flat. I’ve been steadily building a large, concrete wall in my mind and my heart ever since the night Noah died. I haven’t put a door in the wall and I didn’t keep a path with access to walk around it. I think it’s time now though, to put my words down on parchment and share them. It needs to be done.
I’ve written 15 other memorials to the ferrets that have come into our family, touched our lives and then passed on to the Rainbow Bridge. I wrote them the night they passed or the day after. I didn’t love them any less than I love Noah; but how to put into words the most unique bond with a furkid you have ever experienced? How do you do that in a night, a day, week, months, ever? Maybe I will never do him justice with my words. Poet or not, it seems a task I’m unable to do properly. It hurts too much and that is why. So I will tell his story the best I can and thank you for reading it.
Noah came into my life on a chaotic work day quite unexpectedly. My friend Joanne, who runs a ferret rescue down in southern Arizona, telephoned me to ask for my help transporting a young rescue ferret. Apparently the ferret had a badly broken leg and the young couple who had him could not afford a Veterinarian. Their apartment wasn’t far from me, just the next couple suburbs over, so I told Joanne I could pick him up on the way home from work and meet her half way down the highway between Phoenix and Sierra Vista.
We set up a meeting spot and I went to collect the ferret. Noah’s name was originally “Noir” and when I collected him from the young couple’s apartment I could see he had a badly injured leg however his energy level was abundant! The couple put Noah in a cloth carry case that had a hole in the top and gave me a cup of water for him. Since I went there directly from work, I was not prepared with my own carrier or water bottle. I could tell the couple really cared about Noir, they were just very young and inexperienced and didn’t know what to do. The young man kept telling me how everything had been fine, he had only turned his head for a second when Noir jumped and hurt his leg. We all know with a ferret, a second is all it takes, especially as kits. They couple meant well, they were visibly upset and I felt badly for them. I assured them he was in good hands with Joanne and I left quickly to begin my drive down to meet her.
At this point in our life together, Mark and I had already had 15 ferrets. We had agreed “no more” and had no intention of adopting again. Not because we didn’t have enough room in our hearts to love more ferrets, but because our hearts had been so torn up by the loss of so many ferrets over the years.
During the drive, Noah kept popping his head up and out of the cloth carrier the whole drive down the interstate, like a fuzzy jack in the box. This little boy was so adorable and made me giggle the whole journey down south. I kept pushing him gently back into the carrier saying “No, no!”, but Noah of course thought it was a game and kept it up the whole drive.
We arrived at our meeting place before Joanne so I parked under the highway and took Noah out of the carrier. He sat on my lap for the 15 minutes or so that we waited…..and in those few short minutes, he stole my heart forever. In that small space of time, Noah licked my nose, cuddled with me and we listened together to a passing train together, his eyes bright, alert and watchful. He had a little pot belly and his face was quite dark compared to the rest of his classic sable coloring. I could tell his leg hurt him yet he was fiercely energetic and bouncy and wanted to play and intensely wished I would let him run around my car.
When Joanne and her dad arrived, I handed him over to her feeling a “pang” of regret. I would find out in future days that Joanne saw that look in my face and already knew where Noah’s new home would eventually be.
I drove home thinking of nothing but that little ferret with the broken leg and when I walked in our door my husband Mark took one look at me and said, “We are adopting that ferret, aren’t we.” Apparently he knew it before I did just like Joanne. I told my friend Heidi (Huronna) about the transport and unbeknownst to me she sent Joanne an E-mail saying she thought I should adopt Noah.
Joanne had by this time renamed Noir, “Noah” and took him to her Vet. It was originally thought that Noah would have to lose his front, right leg. Incidentally, Noah’s front right foot had six separate toes. This was a birth defect apparently but I think this was just one of a myriad of reasons Noah was extraordinary.
When I told Mark that Noah was going to lose his leg Mark said we definitely had to adopt him then. Joanne asked me if we were interested and I said yes, definitely, we would adopt Noah. Joanne planned to adopt him out to me after the surgery on his leg was completed and Noah had recovered. However, Noah’s leg healed on its own and he did not need the surgery. Noah kept his leg, recovered by June from the double breaks in it and I was on my way driving south again to Joanne’s house to collect him.
Noah came to me from Joanne’s with a Pooh bear toy and two stuffed snake toys. The Pooh bear would prove to be his cherished toy every day, forever. I saw Pooh for very long. I would find it, take it out and within about five minutes Pooh would disappear again to wherever Noah decided to hide him. He adored that toy. I have one seriously fun video clip of Noah doing the craziest happy/war dance ever with Pooh. The moment it seems he’s finished on the video, Noah suddenly springs up like Tigger and grabs Pooh and he dances and rolls with him so quickly across the bed you’d swear I was speeding the video up on fast forward.
Noah was a “people ferret” from moment one and fit in with our other three ferrets immediately. At the time of his adoption we still had Max, Eva and Sasha Bear. Max and Eva both left for the Rainbow Bridge within a year of Noah’s arrival. Sasha Bear, who lived a very long life, bonded with Noah and they became best friends for a long while. Sasha mothered Noah. I would always find Sasha Bear and Noah together snuggled up napping or chasing each other around the toy room.
Cosima, our Puli dog, and Noah always got along fine. Noah would annoy her at times with his energy and persistence but Cosima took it in stride and would annoy Noah back by trying to herd him when he would rather be napping in a warm blanket.
Sasha Bear passed away right before Christmas one year and Noah missed her very much. Mark and I had already decided we were not going adopt more ferrets after Noah though so Noah became even more of a people person when Sasha left for the Bridge.
Noah would often nap on my stomach while I read or watched a movie. Noah always greeted me at the door after work. He would hear the garage door open and come running down the stairs to meet me coming in the house. He would ride my shoulder or follow me all around. Noah sat on my feet in the bathroom during work day mornings while I put my makeup on. He’d walk down stairs with me every single work day morning to see me off to work.
My friend Lisa used to call him a “fruppy”: part ferret, part puppy. It’s how he behaved. Lisa also called him her “chubalub” because he had a chubby belly.
Mark and I watch movies most nights together after work in our bedroom and Noah had a game he loved to play. He knew he wasn’t allowed in the bathroom located off our bedroom, it wasn’t ferret proofed. We put a hook and eye latch on the door to keep him out of the room. Yet, he could push the door enough to make a noise, but the latch caught it so that there wasn’t room for Noah to get inside. Noah would wait until we were watching a movie and the room was otherwise very quiet, then he’d charge across the room (he sounded like a herd of horses when he ran) and jump full speed into the bathroom door and push on it. It would always make us jump and yell “No, no, Noah!”. He’d do a little dance, quite pleased with himself and then scamper off or climb up the throw blanket we kept for him to use to get on our bed. He’d wait about a half hour and do it all over again.
We learned quickly that Noah was a fruit monster. Ferrets aren’t supposed to love fruit; they are supposed to love raw meat. Noah wouldn’t even sniff raw meat of any kind, but if you peeled an orange on the other side of the house he’d come charging at you. He would run right up you and try to take the fruit out of your mouth. It didn’t matter if it was an orange, melon, pineapple, apple or even a tomato …. Noah obsessed over it. Noah loved orange juice too just like our ferret Julius used to love. He wouldn’t attack you for juice, but if you had fresh fruit he’d attack, insist, beg, steal.
Noah definitely loved his naps. He would curl up into a round ball, laying on his back with his front, right, six toed foot sticking straight up in the air. If you touched him while he was napping he’d literally make an annoyed face and jump a little, curling up into a tighter ball as if to say “leave me alone, can’t you see I’m sleeping.”
He used to sleep next to me at night and I’d put my arm around him. He had a very special blanket of his own that Lisa gave him. She hiked down to the bottom of Grand Canyon with me one year and used that blanket while we camped. Then she gifted the blanket to Noah before she left Arizona. He slept on it every single night. Noah also had blue silk sheets under the dresser in the back bedroom; that is where he took his daytime naps.
Noah loved stuffies. Sometimes he would enjoy dropping them in his water dish. He had a special priority mail box in the toy room that my mom sent. It sat on its side and Noah would place, one at a time, over and over, his favorite stuffies in that box for safe keeping. All except Pooh bear, he got hidden somewhere separately each time. The other favorites all went in this box. The box was years old but I just didn’t have the heart to change it out…..it was Noah’s.
My friend Lisa from England and her Mum, Pat, gave Noah so many stuffies over the years and Noah adored them all. They all ended up in his special stash. Lisa’s son Finley, my godson, gave Noah another Pooh stuffy once and Noah adored it. I have video of Noah wit with that Pooh toy also. When Noah died, I had them cremate two of the stuffies Lisa and Pat gave him along with him.
Another favorite toy of Noah’s was the Kun Fu Hamster Lisa from New York gave him. If I put that hamster on the floor and pushed the button so it would sing Kung Fu Fighter, Noah charged. He would bite that toy so hard, I’d only let him play with it if I was supervising for fear he’d break his teeth. Eventually Noah killed the hamster’s vocal chords but he still charged him when he saw him on the floor. I have video of Noah with Kung Fu Hamster too. I used to say, “Noah, where’s the Hamster Man!” and Noah would run and stare at the shelf I kept him on until I took the hamster down for play time.
Noah’s granny, my mom, once gave me a mechanical duck and that became Noah’s. He loved mechanical toys and that duck was a real hit. So were the mechanical crabs that Lisa gave him. One regret I will always have is that my parents never met Noah. My parents met all our other ferrets but when Noah came into our life my parents had to stop traveling for health reasons. I visit them every six months but they haven’t been able to get back to Arizona in quite some years. That didn’t stop Noah’s granny from loving him though, she even talked to him on the phone and I even have that on video. Noah always got care packages from his grandparents with his favorite treats, Bandits, and lots of toys and cards.
Noah had a sheep that friend Kathy gave him; it would baaaah baaaaah for about three minutes straight when you squeezed its stomach and Noah would throw it around the room. I also have video of that.
One of Noah’s other favorite toys was a crinkly Santa Hat that friend Lyn gave him. It is like a sleep sack but looks like a Santa Hat and has very loud crinkly paper sewn inside of it. He adored it and I would listen to Noah every night run in and out of the hat. I didn’t have the heart to pick it up at night; I never minded him waking me up while he was playing though. I have video of him in that hat, too.
Noah had so many toys; accumulated toys of 15 other ferrets that were in the family before him. Tubes and playmates and eggs and stuffies were all over the house. Cosima isn’t much for toys so basically Noah claimed them all.
Cleaning the house was a lot more fun because Noah liked to “help” me. He would wait until I mopped the tile floors then purposely run onto them and dance around as thought he was being prissy getting his feet wet. He knew the floor was wet, he just had fun doing it. When I changed the sheets he would fly around the bed, rolling like crazy, dancing and jumping. One of my favorite videos I ever took was Noah rolling around doing a war dance while I was making the bed. He would get under the new sheets and jump up and down and roll around in them. He would chase the broom and he would almost chase the vacuum.
Noah liked the outdoors but he didn’t love it. He would enjoy once in a while going outside on my shoulder and sniffing the air. He seemed to love turning his face up to the big, bright Phoenix sun. Noises outside bothered him though, dogs barking or cars or neighbors, so we never stayed outside very long, just enough for a dose of Vitamin D. Noah actually seemed to enjoy the night sky more and we’d often go outside late at night together and wish on the stars. Noah is one of those stars now; the brightest one that shines above me each night.
Noah enjoyed the rice box on occasion but he had trouble getting in and out of it because Noah was a bit chubby. So I had a big stuffed ball next to it as a stair for him.
Noah loved to eat. In the first few weeks after we adopted him I once found Noah sound asleep with his head in his food dish. I took a photo; it’s a little blurred because I couldn’t stop giggling.
Noah also used to love to push full cups of water off the night stand. He would wait for me to let my guard down and put a tumbler of water on there then he’d push it off and dance around. Then he’d get down on the floor and do his prissy wet feet dance in the puddle he made. He was too cute to be annoyed with him. After all, it was only water, and long ago we learned to use plastic tumblers rather than glass. We had sixteen ferrets over the years so you learn quickly. You also learn from ferrets that the mischief they do is what makes life fun.
Noah was very unique from all our other ferrets, however. He didn’t have that same sense of fervent mischievousness. Noah never tried to sneak under the laundry room or pantry doors. He never cared about getting under baseboards or behind furniture. He never wanted to crawl up into drawers. I could actually put bags down on the floor or leave my shoes out of the closet. Well, unless it was my running shoes, those Noah would run off with. And if I had shoe inserts of course he’d steal those too.
Noah was curious of course and would look in the shipping bags and my purse, but he never ran off with anything. Actually, Noah rather enjoyed a purse ride. He’d get those often because I have a large purse. He didn’t care for keys so those were safe too. Noah’s thing was pushing items off tables.
However, Noah didn’t climb either and wasn’t really a jumper. The only table he ever cared about getting on top of on a regular basis was a small, glass end table in the living room. Ironic enough, there is a bronze sculpture of a polar bear on that table in an almost flat ferret position; head down, hind quarters up. It’s a bit smaller than a ferret. Noah would go on that table and curl himself up by that sculpture and nap.
Every morning, Noah would wait outside the shower for me and when I was finished he’d hop up and act as though he wanted to go in the tub, but he didn’t really and actually would become frantic if you tried to put him in the tub. Noah wasn’t afraid of much though and nothing else made him nervous.
Noah was the most incredibly mellow ferret I’d ever known. My friends would all giggle at how relaxed he always was. He’d lay upside down in my hands and loll his head backwards in the air and let me scratch his belly or his back that way. Lisa made a memorial video for Noah and in it there’s a photo of Noah and I doing what I just described.
He’d fall asleep in my lap while I rubbed his belly. Noah adored sleep…and food….and being with me and Mark.
Noah was the only ferret of our 16 ferrets that would come out when I called him virtually every time. We originally were thinking of renaming him again and calling him Little Lord Byron (bad leg); however, Noah already knew his name so well we didn’t dare change it. If Noah wouldn’t come out for his name because he was sound asleep, I’d push the button on a remote control dog toy we had and it would give off a high pitched squeaky bark. That woke Noah up every time and he’d come charging out after it and biting it if I didn’t take it away in time.
Noah became a constant free roam ferret after Sasha Bear passed away. Originally, we would put them downstairs in their custom cage an artist friend had built for us many years ago, for the night but after Sasha passed we couldn’t stand the thought of Noah being downstairs all night alone. He did fine as a 24 hour free roam, he either slept by my side or would wander off to the back bedroom and snuggle up there for part of the night. Mostly though, he slept by my side. Noah absolutely adored Mark’s side of the bed, but he wanted it all for himself. As soon as Mark would get up for any reason, Noah would run over to that side and curl up on Mark’s blankets and his pillow. He would rest his little head right on Mark’s pillow.
Shortly after we adopted Noah I tore the labrum inside the joint of my right shoulder. I had to have surgery and the recovery and rehab process was long and difficult to say the least. Noah’s broken leg was his right leg too and at the time he still had a noticeable limp in the morning. When I came home from the hospital, Noah was curious about the sling my arm was in but he never messed with it, instead he would gently lay next to my arm with his head on my hand looking up at me. He just….knew. That was a very hard time for me, recovering from the shoulder surgery, and Noah seemed to know that too. He’d give me extra kisses and stay with me when I cried from pain and slept with me always by my hurt side and always gently. See? We were just meant to be in each other’s life.
I’ve made it this far without crying while I type. However, the rest of this journey into writing will be done through the blurred hazy vision of tears. I lost Noah to liver cancer on November 10th 2009. It was a shock. We knew he had heart problems but what we didn’t know was that the problems were caused by liver cancer that had metastasized. It has taken me three months to write about Noah’s life. I’ve already written about the day he died and I won’t do that again here; I can’t go through that again.
However, I will say that Noah passed in my arms peacefully. I have his footprints in clay now – showing the six individual toes on his very special right front foot. My friend Jennifer gave me a memorial plant for Noah that I hope will thrive.
My brother sent me a hand painted ferret urn for Noah’s ashes and that is where Noah’s ashes now rest next to his framed photo and a ribbon from a marathon I will explain.
Many friends and family members sent sympathy cards, wrote emails, called (even when I couldn't answer and they left voicemails), posted and lit candles to help Noah make a safe journey to the Bridge. I thank everyone who reached out to me in understanding of the loss. It actually took me about a week to even speak about Noah’s passing directly; Mark did most of the talking for me during that time. I felt as though I’d fallen into a deep dark well, a deep dark dream I thought I surely wake from, but never did. Mark comforted me at home and I hid away from the world, the light, from living. The pain of his loss was physical and emotionally it left my heart shredded. I am grateful to have a wonderful job and understanding boss that gives me the ability to work remotely at home when I need to and that is what I did. I delved deeper into my work from home and tried not to think or speak.
Noah and I had a very unique and special bond. Although I loved and adored every one of our sixteen ferrets, Noah and I had a special relationship. Some people call it a “familiar”; I don’t know if there’s a proper name, I just know that Noah enriched my life and I miss him every day and time will just not heal that. It may soften the pain but it will never heal my heart. There is a place in my heart where grief for Noah will live forever.
I miss Noah every day; each and every single night. My grief is as stubborn as a ferret’s relentless will and it is always going to feel fresh. It hasn’t mellowed with time and my tears haven’t turned to smiles yet. As a poet, I discover I have not been able to write one verse since Noah became ill. I hope my poetry returns to me. Maybe finishing this writing will help.
I am thankful for the blessing of having Noah in my family and in our life. I am thankful to the Great Spirit or the Fates or the Universe or whatever it is that allowed me to experience Noah as part of my world. But my grief is an angry, stubborn thing and refuses to leave me. I will lose the anger in time; I will never lose the feeling of loss. I will take comfort in the good memories but time will never leave Noah’s memory a faded picture in my mind. Noah gave me a bit of his spirit when he passed and it will forever reside in me until I die and pass on to the “Next”.
I look for Noah still. When I get home after work I start to the kitchen to make his dinner. I try to collect him at night for bed. I catch glimpses of him out of the corners of my eyes and I call his name in the mornings sometimes, forgetting, wanting to forget. At night before I blow out the candle I see him dancing by the bed.
On January 30th I ran my first “official” Half Marathon. I chose this event, called the London’s Run, over the larger PF Chang Rock N Roll Marathon for many reasons. Noah’s Vet is a Silver Sponsor of London’s Run and his wife is the coordinator. The race proceeds go to cancer research. I ran the race for Noah. I ran a PR of 1:50:30, surprising myself with my best pace yet for the distance at 8.27 minute miles. I ran for Noah. It was so very important to me. That is what I keep the ribbon on Noah’s picture frame next to his urn.
As a writer, I should go back now and edit this essay. I should check spelling, punctuation and ensure all the tenses are the same; but that wouldn’t do the ferret philosophy justice.
Noah taught me it’s okay to live in the now, to splash out your passion and emotion by the second, not worrying if it’s correct or proper but just letting your heart fly out in rich colors and excitement no matter the order or freeform it has in that moment.
Ferrets have but a short time on this earth and they are wired to make the most of every second they are given. Every day is greeted with joy and a dance, every night with restful, sound sleep, every in-between with food and play, unabashed fun and joy. Ferrets don’t waste time worrying about trivial things, they take trivial things and make them all part of the fun. Ferrets take what they get and treat it all as good. That’s why you never need a store bought toy for a ferret when you have paper bags or bottle caps or cardboard tubes and boxes around. Ferrets enjoy anything. Why shouldn’t we follow their example? Live like a ferret; live our life well.
I run under the moon most mornings, early enough so I feel like the world is my own. Mostly everyone is asleep when I hit the streets running and there is a calm and hush as the first rich palette of color appears over the mountains at dawn. Sometimes I see a shooting star in the clear, huge Arizona sky and I think, “That’s one of my angels watching over me…”
Noah is up there now shining down from the brightest star; he is there, he is in my spirit, he is everywhere there is laughter, dancing, smiles and joy.
Noah enriched my life, he changed me for the better, Noah gave me unconditional love and there’s really no greater gift in life than that. I couldn’t picture life without Noah and I will never get used to him not being here with me physically.
I love you Noah, my sweet pea, my little joy, my cherished treasure; I will love you always until we meet again, one fine day, in a place of bridges and rainbows, wholeness and health.
“Bright Eyes
Burning like fire
Bright Eyes
How can you close and fail?
How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?
Bright eyes…”
---Simon & Garfunkel
The lyrics to Bright Eyes are included in Noah’s Memorial Video
Created by Lisa Jackson for me and Noah.
Please view Noah’s Memorial Video it is a beautiful gift that Lisa created for me in great tribute to my Noah....thank you Lisa, so very much. The video can be viewed here:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Fjq3xpTJEE ....and thank you, for taking time to read this, watch the video and celebrate Noah's life with me...
Videos of Noah can be found in response to Lisa's memorial video or on my channel at:
www.youtube.com/user/LilyAZI created a photo gallery of Noah also on photobucket here:
s788.photobucket.com/albums/yy166/RememberingNoah/Noah%201/
